Courageous: Afterlife Book Four Page 5

  It was very well known that once a spirit was stuck inside of a black hole it was impossible to get out, you were just that, stuck. It was the same for Angels. In my History of Angels class I had heard numerous stories of Angels and spirits that ended up trapped in black holes unable to get out, so I knew the odds were against me.

  But I wasn't going to give in that easily. Statistics had never been my favorite thing and I certainly wasn't going to let it defeat me now. I was going out of this place.

  "This black hole has yet to face a spirit as strong as me," I said to uplift myself.

  I gathered all my strength and thought about the times I had gone back in time, what amazing strength I had shown that had dazzled everyone. I had done impossible things before, and I wasn't going to stop now.

  I screamed my heart out and exploded forward towards the light with a huge scream.

  "Meghan?" I heard Rahmiel's voice yell in the far distance. The sound of her voice renewed my strength and once again I accumulated all the energy and power left in my spirit-body and exploded through the blackness like I had done when I was about to fly back in time. I remembered Albert Einstein had told me it apparently was easier for me to fly fast than slow; it was like I used less energy, so I speeded up, then accelerated once again and finally saw that my efforts had paid off. I was getting closer now. The pulling in my legs became stronger the closer I got, but so did my will to make it out. I kept exploding, accelerating and soon the light grew bigger again. It became the size of a car, then a house and when I was almost there it was bigger than Earth. I kept hearing Rahmiel's voice and as I reached the end of the tunnel the suction from the blackness behind me was so strong that I stood still in the air even if I used the same strength I had used to circle the Earth to go back in time. I struggled and fought when suddenly I spotted Rahmiel on the other side. She was sitting on the back of a Pegasus looking in at me, encouraging me to keep fighting, to keep flying.

  "I can't," I yelled. "It's too strong for me."

  "Keep fighting!" she said. "You're almost there."

  I managed to once again explode through the air and move forward a few inches. I was almost there, at the end of the hole and reached out my hand when suddenly I touched something, something that felt like glass, or plastic. It was like a thick material that was constantly moving only allowing things to get in and not out. I touched it and realized it was everywhere, covering the entire opening. I stared at Rahmiel on the other side in panic, while fumbling my way patting it to see if there was an opening somewhere. I tried to stick my hand through it but it was too thick.

  "You need to push your way through it," Rahmiel said.

  "But I can't," I screamed. "It's too thick and I'm still being pulled backwards."

  "You can do it, Meghan. I know you can. If anyone can do it it's you."

  I took in a deep breath. She was right. I had come this far now, there was no chance I was giving up now. I closed my eyes, and then pictured my unborn child, and me holding it in my arms. I felt something stirred up inside of me and with the biggest display of power I had yet pulled off I pressed the window with both my hands, pushing myself against it and suddenly exploded through it like a shot out of a cannon. I blasted out on the other side and almost hit Rahmiel. She grabbed me then pulled me into her arms and held me tight.

  "That was a close one," she said.

  I didn't say anything, merely looked at her, and then exhaled before everything went black again.

  CHAPTER 11

  I WOKE WITH a scream, then tossed and turned and threw myself out of bed. Darkness surrounded me and I panicked until someone turned on the lights in the room. It was the nurse at the Academy. I sighed with relief and looked at the many lamps surrounding me and enjoyed being able to see again.

  The nurse smiled. "Bad dream again, huh?"

  "Yes," I said. "Nothing but a bad dream."

  She came closer then helped me get back into bed. My leg was in a big bandage, I stared at it. I had forgotten I had been hurt.

  "It'll grow back," the nurse said as she placed me on the bed. "Might take a few weeks, but it'll be fine, Doctor Raphael says."

  "I'm glad to hear that. And the baby?"

  "Nothing to worry about. Everything seems to be going as it should. Now you get some sleep. You need it."

  The nurse walked towards the door then put her hand on the light switch.

  "Could you leave it on, please?" I asked.

  "Afraid of the dark, are we?"

  "More than you could ever imagine."

  "Very well then. Get some rest."

  "I don't understand how it could have happened."

  Mick sat next to my bed, holding my hand. He had been there by my side every day since Rahmiel had brought me to the hospital wing, they told me.

  "You were pulled right out of my hand, I don't get it," he continued.

  His face was strained. He'd probably been blaming himself ever since it happened, if I knew him right.

  "It was an accident, Mick," I said. "I'm fine now."

  He shook his head. "No you're not. I should have been there for you. I should have protected you. I ... I couldn't even hold on to you." He looked at his hands and turned them in front of his face. "You just slipped right through me."

  "There was nothing you could have done," I continued. "It was too powerful. Whatever hit me was too strong."

  He shook his head in disbelief. His eyes were empty, just staring at me. "I searched so many galaxies frantically but you were nowhere to be found. It was the toughest decision I ever had to make, but I realized there was no other way. I had to go back without you and get help. Rahmiel and Salathiel gathered a group of Angels and searched the entire universe, but they can't go into black holes. Just like us they would get stuck. Just ..." his eyes came alive again and looked into mine. They were filled with pain. "Just like you were."

  "I had to fight my way out of the darkness," I said. "No one could help me but myself. And I did. It's all over now."

  Mick shed a couple of tears then kissed my hand desperately. "I'm so, so sorry. I can't begin to explain how sorry I am."

  "It wasn't you fault, Mick. It really wasn't."

  I looked into Mick's eyes and sensed the pain growing inside of him. He loved me so much, maybe even too much at times. I could easily forgive him since I didn't think he had done anything wrong, but I knew he would never forgive himself. Something was broken in his eyes. The trust, the calmness was gone and somehow it frightened me.

  Mick stood up, then kissed my forehead.

  "I'm never letting you out of my sight again," he said.

  That was what I was afraid of.

  My leg healed quicker than expected and about a week later I was released from the hospital wing. It still hurt when I flew so Raphael told me to stay in bed a couple of days longer, preferably a week. Mick came to get me and helped me float back to our chambers. He was extremely tentative. Opening doors for me, helping me float by putting my arm over his shoulder and supporting me while we moved through the hallways of the castle. I didn't really need him to do all that, since the pain wasn't that bad anymore, but I let him since I sensed it made him feel better. He helped me go through the door and then put me on the bed. Hundreds of vases with beautiful flowers filled the entire room and made it look more like a garden than a bedroom.

  "They're beautiful," I said and smelled a turquoise rose.

  "Only the best for you my dear," Mick said. He smiled with a sigh. "You have no idea how wonderful it is to have you back ... to have you home."

  "You have no idea how good it feels to be back here. To be in the light again, to be able to see." I chuckled and reached out to touch his face gently. "To be able to see the ones you love, to look into their eyes, to see the colors of the flowers, to smell them, to ... well to not be in complete darkness. I tell you it was scary in there ..." I was about to say more, but realized that it was too painful for Mick to hear. His eyes were strained and torn with gui
lt.

  "It must have been so awful for you," Mick said. He seemed perplexed like he didn't know how to react, or what to do. He brought me another pillow.

  "I think I have enough now," I laughed and pointed at the ten giant pillows already on the bed.

  "I'm sorry," Mick said. "I just want to make sure you're comfortable."

  I smiled and looked into his blue eyes. "I know you do," I said. "You're always so good to me. You always have been."

  Mick grabbed my hands in his and held them tight. Then he kissed them with his eyes closed. "I will never fail you again," he said while lowering his eyes to not look into mine.

  "Mick. Look at me," I said.

  He lifted his head and looked at me.

  "You never failed me."

  "Yes I did. A husband is supposed to protect his wife, and I failed at doing so."

  I exhaled. "I know you think that, but where I come from a woman is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. There was nothing you could have done differently. I already said that earlier and I'll repeat it until you understand it."

  Mick let go of my hand and turned away. He got up and floated to the window. "I was the one who put you in danger. I never should have brought you on such a dangerous trip. You trusted me, you put your life in my hands and I didn't live up to my responsibility. That is the cold fact. I'm determined to make up for it."

  I stared at him. His back was still turned to me; his arms behind his back. I had no idea what to say to him. It was clear we came from very different worlds and there was no way I could change the way he saw things just like there was no way he could change mine. I hated that he blamed himself so much for what I thought of as merely an unfortunate accident. I was ready to put it all behind us and move on, but Mick seemed determined to remind himself of his failure and remind us both of what might have happened.

  It was like it had hurt his pride and he felt it had also hurt my opinion of him, changed the way I saw him as a husband and a protector.

  But that was his way of thinking, not mine.

  CHAPTER 12

  IN THE COMING days I slowly came to understand how much this event had actually hurt Mick and how much it was about to change everything in our relationship. I stayed in bed as Raphael had told me to and Mick simply didn't leave me alone at all. He was constantly there, waiting for me to ask for something to eat, or drink or an extra pillow or whatever I could make up just to keep him busy so he would feel like he was needed, that he was a good husband. If I didn't ask him for something he would just keep asking me if there was anything I wanted, anything he could get for me and it almost drove me nuts. I, on the other hand, kept busy reading my baby books, but even they began to bore me eventually. So after three days in bed reading all there was to know about spirit-babies and giving birth, I finally closed the book and put it on the table. Mick was sitting in a chair by the window looking at me and when he saw me put the book away he floated towards me immediately.

  "Anything wrong?" he asked. "Can I get you something? An extra pillow? Something to eat? Maybe some chocolate covered strawberries; I sense you're in the mood for them."

  I was, he was right about that, so I indulged him. "Sure. That would be nice."

  Mick smiled, then closed his eyes and rubbed his hands together. Smoke emerged from them and soon a big bowl of strawberries appeared on the table.

  "Here you go," he said.

  "Thank you, Mick." I grabbed one and ate it. It tasted great, but somehow left me empty. I didn't take another.

  "What's wrong?" Mick asked concerned. "Aren't they good enough?"

  I sighed. "Mick?" He looked at me tentatively.

  "Yes?"

  "I'm bored."

  He shook his head. "I don't understand?"

  "I'm bored. I don't know what to do. I'm just lying here in this bed doing nothing but reading these books and waiting for my leg to heal. Can't we go out or something? I long to go for a float in the Butterfly Garden. We haven't done that in awhile. Or maybe we could go fly over the castle? Or surf on the clouds? You used to love that."

  "Not now," Mick said. "Raphael said you had to stay still, remember? Your leg isn't completely healed yet. These things take time. Flying around is way too much for you right now."

  I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer. His face was close to mine now. "Okay, then Mr. Super Protective, but then you'll have to at least kiss me," I whispered.

  Mick smiled, and then his lips met mine. I grabbed his neck and pulled him closer. We kissed a long time and it seemed to loosen him up slightly. His body relaxed and became less tense as he came closer and I felt his body close to mine. My kisses became more passionate and I wanted him even closer. I told him I wanted him to touch me, I wanted him to be crazy for me, but it was like he somehow kept his distance and never was really into it.

  "Don't you want me?" I whispered. "Don't you want to be close to me?"

  "More than anything in this world," he moaned. "I'm just so afraid of hurting you."

  "Well don't be. Just make love to me."

  Then Mick finally gave into his desire and soon he was all over me. All over my body. He kissed my throat, my neck and touched me gently, yet passionately. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the closeness, the passion. But suddenly it felt so wrong. The pictures of the night on the cliffs when Mick had forced himself on me were back. They flickered in my head and I began hyperventilating again.

  "No, no, no," I muttered.

  Mick stopped and looked at me, and then he pulled away forcefully. I opened my eyes and looked into his. The hurt was back. I had hurt him.

  "I'm doing it again," he said, agitated while moving away from me. "I'm hurting you."

  I sat up in the bed. "No, Mick, please don't think that. It's just. Well, I don't know what's wrong with me, really. I just can't seem to escape it. It's probably just the pregnancy. I'm so terribly sorry, Mick."

  "Don't you think I can feel how you freeze when I touch you?" he asked.

  I hid my face in my hands. What was happening here? What was happening to us? Why couldn't I just forgive and forget? Was it really the pregnancy? Could it be hormones? Or was it deeper than that? Could this end up destroying my marriage? End up destroying us? I wasn't prepared to spend eternity without being able to be close to my husband, without being able to make love to him. Why couldn't I just let it go?

  "I'm sorry," Mick, I said and reached my hand out toward him.

  He turned his back at me then began floating towards the door. Just before he went through it he turned and looked at me.

  "I'll be outside if you need me," he said.

  Then he was gone.

  CHAPTER 13

  I THREW MYSELF on the bed crying. What had I done? I was ruining him with my foolish behavior. Why couldn't I just control my emotions? Put a lid on it?

  I stared at the ceiling. Then I sat up. I grabbed the mirror that Mick had placed on the small bedside table when unpacking my things while I was still in the hospital tower. I looked at myself in it.

  "I'm disgusted with you," I said to my own reflection. "Don't you understand what you're doing to him? Don't you think he is suffering enough as it is? He is drowning in guilt and you keep pushing him further in."

  I growled at myself. My reflection didn't seem to mind. Not at first. But after a few seconds it suddenly growled back. I looked in the mirror again. My own eyes were looking back at me with contempt. I moved my head, the reflection didn't move. What was this?

  The reflection growled again. Then it burst into laughter. "Isn't that nice?" it said.

  I jumped backwards and threw the mirror on the bed. "Who said that?" I asked.

  "I did," the voice said from the mirror. It sounded exactly like my own voice.

  Slowly I moved towards the mirror and picked it up again. "Who ... Who are you?"

  The reflection laughed again. "Well, I'm you, am I not?"

  "You look like me," I said thinking I had finally lost it completely. I looked
at the door thinking I should call for Mick and ask him if the mirror was talking to him as well, but I decided not to. I really didn't want to be with him right now. I couldn't bear to look at his hurtful eyes again. I couldn't stand the guilt.

  "That's because I am you," the reflection said. "Everything you see in here is a reflection of you."

  "But ... But you're ... you're talking to me. Reflections don't talk."

  "And spirits don't have a reflection, right?"

  "I guess not."

  "Yet I'm still here and you still see me, right?"

  "Right."

  There was a long silence. I had no idea what was going on here and kept wondering if spending time in the black hole had in fact made me mad enough to imagine this. But something about the mirror and the girl, who was supposed to be me in it, felt highly appealing, alluring even. I really wanted to talk to her, to look at her.

  "Why did you say 'Isn't that nice?' just before?" I asked.

  "Because it was nice to hear you finally speak the truth."

  "What do you mean by that?" I asked.

  "Well I think you're right. About Mick. I think it's true that you keep pushing him further and further into this guilt trip. I'm afraid that you are destroying him. First with Jason and now with this whole 'black-hole' accident. And now he can't even touch you? You keep hurting him."

  I stared at the reflection in silence but with wide open eyes.

  "Oh, I forgot to tell you. Not only am I your reflection, I'm also sort of your conscious. You'll always get the truth from me. I only speak the truth, hard as it might be."

  I swallowed hard. "I can tell you do," I said. "So you're kind of like the cricket in Pinocchio?"